Well I guess I should start here: My bff just sent me a text saying she hopes I'm not as "bitter or angry" as I sound. Ha. What should I reply to that? Thanks?
I'm at one of those recurring points in my life where I honestly just feel like I don't like anyone, and no one likes me. With the exception of the very few true friends that I have, which I can count on one hand, I really couldn't care less about the rest of the world.
I feel used & abused. Like I'm just surrounded by people who don't care about me or my well being but simply stay in my life because it's convenient for them. I can only put up with so much for so long.
Maybe it's just a short phase, or maybe I just allowed my naiveness to blind me for so long that I am now realizing what's been in front of me all along. Either way, my feelings remain.
I want to vent about so many things that I'm not even sure which one to choose. I know to many, it isn't moral to complain about life or let things get to you but to me, the fact that someone else's life is worst doesn't make mine any better. Sounds evil, I know, but hey this is my blog and I am free to say (or write) what I please. So back to my venting..Let me start with my so called bff since that's the latest thing to urk my nerves. I'd really love to know what her deal is. I just don't get it. It's like we're great for a while and all of a sudden she switches it up on me. Or maybe I'm the one switching up...who knows? Point is as much as I love her, sometimes I simply can not STAND her. It feels like my happiness or my success pisses her off. Like my self confidence affects her negatively because she doesn't have any. She whines about the simplest things and is just so melodramatic it nauseates me. I feel like everything with her is a competition. She tends to act like she knows everything about everything..to the point where she lies just to make herself seem savvy. It's disturbing. It's like she wants to be like me but she can't because we're complete opposites and since she can't I guess bringing me down (or trying to) is her next best thing. We have always had a dysfunctional relationship and I've always been the one to blame for that. Every certain amount of time I just cut her out of my life because even the thought of her pisses me off and yet we find a way to reconnect because as I first mentioned, I do love her. She just becomes unbearable sometimes and I'm not even sure what it is that makes me feel so strongly about her, I just DO. I know how evil I sound and if anyone is reading this please, please forgive me. I just can't hold it in any longer and it turns out that the one person I can really vent to and is willing to listen is the same person I'm venting about..hence, the blog. Not that this blog will be about her but this is now my outlet because frankly, I don't care to share any details about my life with anyone at this point.
Next vent: WORK. Now I know thousands, if not millions of people hate their jobs and/or deal with countless b.s. on a day to day basis BUT again, that doesn't make the b.s. I deal with any better. So on to the venting..I've been with this company for about two years now and for some random mysterious reason, I can't seem to move up. I don't know what it is but I can't, and it's driving me insane. The craziest part for me is that the only reason I even want to move up is beacuse I'm GREAT at what I do and I actually enjoy it..or at least most of it. The signs of them wanting me to move up are there. I've had meetings, been chosen for positions, and yet it still just seems like such a drag. It's RETAIL for God's sakes not rocket science. Just give me the position and let's move ON with our LIVES. To top it all of, they continously fill the position I fiend for to inadequate individuals who end up leaving the job a short time after taking it. It makes NO SENSE. I'm at my wits end and it's frustrating because I'm simply not sure what to do. I definitely have other options, but there are so many factors that come into play when making the decision to leave. For one, I'm young. My age is always an issue when looking for jobs that I can live off of because, let's face it, not many twenty one year olds are living completely on their own. I am a licensed cosmetologist and that's always a great option if I'm looking to improve my finances but the problem with that is my health. I was diagnosed earlier this year with fibromyalgia. For those of you who don't understand what that is, it's basically a disorder in your brain that makes it send constant pain signals to your body. Long story short, I'm in pain, at all times. It's a chronic disorder and the only thing that "helps" are anti depressants which have such strong side effects that after taking one, all I am able to do is lay in bed for the next two days. I also have carpel tunnel, on both of my arms, mostly because I started doing hair so young and so I've done it for so long that it's effects have already hit me-HARD. My arms can't be active for long without becoming numb and therefore useless. My back is always in pain as well and although I should be in physical therapy for that, I don't have the time..and soon enough I won't have the health insurance, to take care of it. They say God will never give you more than you can bear and although I'm truly thankful that through it all I do see His grace and mercy sustaining me..I'm not sure how much more I can take. He is the only reason I've made it this far and I'm doing this well, even if it may not seem well at all.
Last vent...for tonight at least, Love & Happiness. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a hopeless romantic. My biggest mission in life is to fall in love and stay in love until the day I die. Well I did, fall in love that is, and it fell apart so badly that it shattered my entire world. I don't think I'll ever love that way again which breaks my heart to pieces because although our love was toxic, it made me feel alive. Being with him made me feel fulfilled. No matter what was going on in my world the fact that I had him made it all ok. To this day I'm not sure exactly why or how it all fell apart but I do know that I still love him, and that he feels the same way. It's just..well, it didn't work. Plain & Simple (or not so simple..at all) but you get the point. We started out as friends and it was just a whirlwind after that. I never imagined we'd fall in love the way we did but it happened. I decided to stay in nyc to be with him, we moved in together a short time after, and we lived together for about a year and a half. I was everything I had to be to him and he loved me for it. But as much as he enjoyed living the married life, he wasn't ready (or willing) to commit..and that caused a LOT of issues. He would tell me he needed his freedom. He wasn't going to do anything with it he said, but he needed to feel like he was able to. I hope that makes sense to someone because it sure as hell doesn't make sense to me. But after a lot of crying and a lot of fighting, I gave him his freedom. I left. But somehow, in my naive hopeless romantic mind, we'd still make it. In my mind he'd realize what an idiot he was for letting me go for "freedom" and I'd forgive him and we'd be alright. Yea, ummm never happened. While he does regret letting me go, and has in fact realized how much he needs & misses me, he isn't willing to change. He's not willing to accept his mistakes and become the man the he should be-the man I need him to be. It's been a year now since our official break up and we've been back and forth a dozen times afterwards but still, he remains the same. Our break up affected me to the point where I was suicidal, on anti depressants, seeing a shrink and in really bad mental shape. It was a very dark time in my life but I got through it, with the help of God. I gained the strenght to let him go once and for all (for the sixth time) and I finally felt free. This was about a month ago. It hurts accepting and forcing myself to believe that we will never be but I've done it, because I've had to. Problem is he still sends a text every once in a while telling me how much he misses me and as soon as his text pops up on my screen, I melt all over again. It's as if I don't remember what I've been through and how much has happened.
He is the reason why I'm still living completely alone in new york city, but this new found freedom of mine is giving me the guts to finally let go of the fantasy of a happily ever after with him and move to miami, which is where I've always wanted to be. I know that moving there would really be the end of us becasue once I'm there I am NOT coming back. And that scares me. Living five minutes away from him, even if we aren't even on speaking terms, gives me a sense of security that I would be letting go of if I move. But I want to move. I want to be in miami with the heat and the beaches and the sunshine..and most of all my family who although I've been distant from for a long time because of distance, is still my fam.
Moving to miami in my head means happiness. An easier lifestyle, mainly because of the difference in commute, better churches, and more emotional support because I can never truly be alone when I'm ten minutes away from 65 family members. But the thought of not being happy haunts me. I feel as though being in love is the only thing that will truly change my depressive state. I'm not a party girl. Going to a club is great but it doesn't excite me. It's not what I consider having a "life." Church is also great and God is my everything but even Church takes a lot out of me, especially with everything that I want to get involved in once I'm down there. So I sit here and wonder, will leaving nyc and moving to florida really give me the happiness and fulfillment I'm looking for? Or will I make the sacrifice of giving up a secure lifestyle here to take a risk that might end falling flat and making things worse? I really don't know. And until I'm sure of that answer, I simply can't make a move.
I wish things weren't so complex. The bible says joy is what we should seek, happiness is temporary but joy remains through good and bad times. Problem with that is joy & happiness to me are one and the same and if I don't have one, I can't fake the other.
Life is Beautiful, in a twisted, evil, complicated way. And I really just want the rose without the spines but we all know that's not likely to happen so as I always say, all I can really do is be a Woman, Suck It Up, And Deal With It. Until next time lovers and lovelies..Xs&Os <3
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